Genius Villains and Heroic Idiots
by Bobby South
Summary: When Simba disappears from the Pride Lands, Zazu enlists the help of Blackadder, Mr. Bean, Johnny English, the Gasforth Police and Mystery Inc in this live-action/animation tribute to my favourite actor of all time: Rowan Atkinson.
1. Where's Simba?

Zazu yawned.

"That Simba is just as hard work as his father was," he muttered to himself as he got into his bed. "I'm getting too old for this job. The sooner I retire and have peace and quiet in a big tree all to myself, the better."  
Zazu finally went to sleep. Then elephant trumpeting could be heard, followed by zebra crying and finally monkey chanting.

An annoyed Zazu got out of bed and went to the front door. "Now, listen, every one of you! I – "

But he could find no animal outside his tree, not even an insect.

"Thank goodness they've gone," the red-billed hornbill said. He slammed his door shut and flew back into his bed. Then his door was being knocked very loudly.

Zazu grinded his teeth as he flew back to the door and opened it. "WHAT?"

"Zazu, sir!" said Gopher, as he saluted him.

"It's half two in the morning, Gopher!" yawned Zazu. "This had better be good!"

"Sir, King Simba and Queen Nala have gone, sir," answered Gopher.

"I said, 'This had better be – '." Then Zazu stopped and realised what Gopher said. "Gone? How do you mean, 'Gone'? As in taking a vacation?"

"No, sir," replied Gopher. "There are rumours that they have been kidnapped, sir."

"What about Princess Kiara and Prince Kovu?"

"They've gone, too, sir."  
Zazu sighed as he threw his nightcap off. "What did I do to _not_ deserve a beauty night's rest?"

* * *

It wasn't long before Zazu reached Pride Rock. It was crowded with a lot of worried animals that were makings loud panicky noises.

"Move! I must get to Pride Rock! Get out of the way!" Zazu tried to fly above the animals, but he couldn't avoid the running-around elephants and giraffes.

Soon he managed to land on the peak and took a minute to catch his breath.

"Hey, somebody get us out of here!" yelled a voice that sounded a lot like Timon's.

Zazu flew into the royal den and saw a big cage with Timon and Pumbaa inside it.

"What happened?" asked Zazu.

"We were just sleeping," replied Pumbaa, "and, when we woke up, we found ourselves in here."

"Is that it?" asked Zazu. "No funny smells? No bumps on your head?" No – "

"No helping if you don't get us out!" snapped Timon. "Quickly!"

Zazu look around. There was no key, no crowbar and no bar-cutters. But then he saw a white pen and then he looked at Pumbaa's big butt.

"Er, what's taking him so long, Timon?" Pumbaa asked Timon. Then he screamed and ran, knocking the cage down.

Timon coughed as he climbed out of the metal rubble. "Thanks a lot, birdbrain," muttered the moody meerkat.

"Well, it was either this or no bugs for, well, forever," the 'birdbrain' protested. "Now, since you're out, how about getting to business?"

"But I don't need to go," said Pumbaa.

"Not _that_ business, Pumbaa!" snapped Timon. "He means find clues about Simba and his family's disappearance."

"Oh," said Pumbaa.

* * *

They've been looking around the whole of Pride Rock and have found nothing.

"Uh, Timon, I've been thinking," said Pumbaa.

"About bugs for breakfast?" asked Timon. "Because I'm starving."

"No. Do you think it could be Scar and his hyenas?"

"They're dead, Pumbaa. They can't come back from the dead."

"Could it some unhappy creatures who want to take over the Pride Lands?" asked Pumbaa.

"If they wanted to rule the Pride Lands, Pumbaa," said Timon, "do you really think they wouldn't be here?"

"What if it were our old enemy Quint?"

"No, he won't – " Then Timon stopped and pondered it. "Hey, I have an idea. What if it were our old enemy Qinut?"

"Zazu, sir!"

Zazu jumped in the air and turned around to see Gopher.

"Where have you been, Gopher?" Zazu demanded.

"I was looking for clues around Pride Rock, sir," replied Gopher.

"And?"  
"Nothing, sir. What about you, sir?"

"Found nothing but this pen," said Zazu, holding it in the air. Then he studied it and noticed blue writing on it. "Sinclair. Who is Sinclair?"

"The only Sinclair I know is that hotel where me and Timon stayed once in London," said Pumbaa.

"Well, since I can't find Rafiki or some monkey telling me what to do about this," said Zazu, "we'd better get to London straight away. And we'd better get help."

"But who's gonna help us?" asked Pumbaa.


	2. Mr Bean's Pen Pal

Mr. Bean sneezed as he used his feather duster to clean the curtains. But he smiled because his flat was clean, tidy and dustless. But there was one thing he hadn't dusted: himself. He dusted his hair, his face, his jacket, his shoes and between his legs.

Bean went into the kitchen and took off a letter of the refrigerator. Then he went to Teddy. "Look, Teddy," he said. "He'll be here any minute. Let's get you all smartened up."

Bean had been writing to a pen-pal for a few months and had decided invited him to come and stay over for a few days.

Then the doorbell rang. Bean went to the door, straightened his tie up and reached for the doorknob, only it wasn't there. He quickly ran to his fruit bowl and got the doorknob out. He put it on the door and opened it.

"Blobby!" shouted Mr. Blobby. "Blobby blobby blobby!"

Blobby ran into Bean's flat, dropping his suitcases onto his pen-pal's feet.

"Blob blobby blobby blobby," said Blobby, as he put his hand out.

"Uh, Bean," said Bean, shaking his hand.

Blobby started to shake violently and kissed Bean on the lips. As the pink and yellow-spotted figure quickly jumped on Bean's bed, laughed his head off and then fell off the bed, Bean started to regret inviting his pen pal over.

* * *

Soon it was dinnertime. Blobby was sat at one end of the dinner table. The table had salt and pepper pots and curry sauces jars.

Bean came out of the kitchen, pushing a wooden trolley with a silver serving dish on it.

Blobby smelled. "Blobby blobby blobby," he said, rubbing his tummy.

Bean took the lid off and the dish revealed a Rogan josh curry. He took one scoop out and put it in Blobby's bowl. Blobby put his bowl out for Bean to give him more, but the selfish buffoon had already moved to his seat and helped himself to all that was rest.

Blobby compared his plate to Bean's. "Oh, blobby!" he snapped angrily. He grabbed the curry sauce pot and tried to open it, but he clumsily dropped it on the table. Not only did it break into pieces, but curry sauce flew everywhere, including on Bean.

Blobby gasped. "Blobby blobby blobby!" Then he got up, knocking a glass of red wine onto the table. The spilled wine landed on Bean's trousers.

Now Bean was getting really mad. Then he was getting rubbed by a cloth. It was in Blobby's right hand. The fat blob was trying to clear up the mess he made.

* * *

By nine o'clock at night, Bean and Blobby were watching a repeat of _The Two Ronnies_. Usually, Bean would've found this time relaxing and amusing, but this time it was pressure due to Blobby's loud and irritating laughing.

After ten minutes of Blobby's laughing, Bean gave up and got up. He spent the next ten minutes making a bed that came out of the green settee for Blobby. But when he finished, he only saw Blobby in his own bed. And, what's worst, he was Teddy's new bunk mate.

A defeated Bean grinded his teeth and sulked as he got into the settee bed.

Bean was sleeping like a baby, with his thumb in his mouth. Then a big light came on.

"Blobby!" shouted Blobby from his bed.

Bean jumped as he looked at Blobby. Blobby gestured a glass of water.

Bean groaned as he got up. He went to the kitchen and got out a small glass and a pint glass. He filled them both and then he went to Blobby and prepared to give him the small one, but Blobby grabbed the pint one and tried to drink it but it wet his own pyjama trousers. He raised his pink fist to Bean, who just ignored it and went back to bed.

* * *

"Blobby blobby blobby!"

That was coming from Blobby's alarm clock. It didn't wake its owner up, but it did wake up Bean. He saw it was five o clock in the morning on his watch, but decided to get up anyway. He opened the curtains and saw that it was sunrise. He grabbed his electric razor and started under his chin. Then he did the left side of his face and then his right side. Then he headed up to his forehead and then came down to his nose.

"Blobby blobby!" cried Blobby from behind him.

Bean jumped and, at the same time, his razor got stuck in his nose again. He grabbed the scissors and freed his nose from the razor.

Bean had enough of Blobby. He marched to the kitchen where Blobby was. Blobby grabbed a postcard with a picture of a beach and the word 'Gasforth' on it.

"Blobby blobby blobby?" asked Blobby.

"Ok," said Bean.

* * *

After ten minutes, Bean was in his usual outfit and Blobby was in his usual outfit – nakedness. They made their way to Bean's mini. Bean unlocked his padlock and got in his side. He reached over to the other door and opened it. Blobby tried to get in, but he was too fat to get in probably and his feet were still out.

Bean groaned as he got out and went to Blobby's side. He lifted the pink legs up and closed the door. Blobby's legs were still hanging out of the window, but it was the best he could do.

Bean went back to his side of the mini.

"Blobby blobby blobby!" shouted Blobby, pointing at his watch impatiently.

"All right!" snapped Bean. He finally started the engine and the mini drove off.

Bean hadn't been driving for very long. They had only driven a few blocks away and Blobby was already taking pictures with his pink and yellow spotted camera, from the tallest street lamp to the smallest dog doing its business.

Then Blobby saw a giant hotel with the sign, 'Sinclair'. He reached over to take a better picture but it was distracting Bean's driving. Not only that, but Bean couldn't even see anything at all. He tried to push Blobby away, but he was too big. He tried to see over the giant pink and yellow-spotted head, but he couldn't even glimpse.

* * *

Two policemen were walking near the Sinclair Hotel. They were P.C. Gladstone and P.C. Goody.

"Nice quiet day today, don't you think, Kevin?" smiled Gladstone.

"Yeah, sure," Goody said uninterested.

"Is this about Maggie again?" asked Gladstone.

"I only thought that man was hurting her," said Goody.

"That nice man in the spa who gave her a nice massage?"

"She was yelling in pain."  
"Massaging a tense back is painful in a way," said Gladstone. "Just be grateful Inspector Fowler didn't put you on a charge for it. And also be grateful that he doesn't _even_ know it."  
Then car horn beeping could be heard. They saw a blue Reliant Regal van driving along, but Mr. Bean's mini knocked it, sending to crash a fruit stall. Then the yellow mini cut across the pavement, just missing Gladstone and Goody. It cut across the car park of the Sinclair car park and crashed into the water fountain.

Gladstone got out his radio. "Gladstone. A yellow mini has crashed into the water fountain at Sinclair Hotel."

"It was a car that crashed into the fountain, Frank," said Goody, "not a yellow Minnie Mouse."


	3. Investigating the Sinclair

It wasn't long before the Police arrived at the Sinclair hotel. There was tape all over the car park and the hotel. Gladstone and Goody were escorting the hotel guests and the staff out.

Sergeant Dawkins and P.C. Habib went over to the manager of the hotel.

"I am Donald Sinclair, owner of this and lots of hotels," snapped Sinclair. "I have more and better hotels than the Hiltons."

Dawkins and Habib just grabbed him by the arms.

"What do I look to you, a retard who can't walk?" snapped Sinclair.

"Sir, we need to escort everyone out quickly, including you," Dawkins told him.

"Why?" demanded Sinclair. "It's not like the bad guy could be hiding inside my hotel."

"Actually, it could, sir," said Habib.

Sinclair broke free from the girls and went over to Inspector Fowler. "Excuse me, Officer. What in the name of windy winds is going on here?"

"Well, sir, a mini has crashed into your water fountain," Fowler told him.

"A mini?" exclaimed Sinclair. "Are you saying the baths in my hotels in Gasforth, Las Vegas and Fatehpur are too small for midgets to get in to?"

"I would think the third one of yours must be for anyone to notice," D.C. Kray chuckled.

"Detective Constable Kray," said Fowler.

"Yes, sir?" asked Kray.

"It is time for an investigation, not for jokes about poverty," Fowler told him.

"Was Robert telling a joke about chickens?" asked Goody.

"Poverty, Goody, not poultry!" snapped Fowler. "And how's the investigation coming on?"

"Sir, I've found the driver," D.C Boyle called over, as he was investigating Mr. Bean's mini.

Fowler and the rest of the team ran to the mini.

"All right, let me have him," said Fowler.

Out of the mini, Boyle pulled out... a burst Mr. Blobby.

"Is this a joke, D.C. Boyle?" asked a very not-amused Fowler.

"No, sir," said Boyle. "This thing was in the driver's seat. And here is, what I think, his driving license."

Fowler took the license and studied it. It was a pink card, had a picture I.D. of Mr. Blobby and all the writing was 'Blobby' for everything.

"But this doesn't prove anything," said Fowler. "Habib, have you called the DVLA?"

"Yes, sir," replied Habib. "But they're engaged."

"Sir, here are the vehicle documents," said Boyle as he gave them to Fowler. Again, the writing was all in 'Blobby' writing.

"Great," moaned Fowler. "I'd like to know how this investigation could get any worse."

"What's going on, Fowler?"

Everyone turned around to see Detective Inspector Grim.

"Everything's under control, Grim," said Fowler.

"Detective Inspector Grim to you," snapped Grim. "And what are you doing fannying about with a car while you could be doing something better?"

"Like what?" asked Fowler.

"Like – Uh, uh, well, uh – Something better than this."

"Well, my officers and I have protected the streets and solved plenty of crimes for two months, Grim, while you took it nice and easy in a hospital," said Fowler. "Even your boys Kray and Boyle have managed – "

"Being in a hospital for two months is not a holiday, Fowler!" snapped Grim. "And it's not _my_ fault I had to have bowel cancer surgery."

"Isn't it?" said Fowler. "That's what you get for eating too much curries and drinking alcohol and coffee."

"Enough, Fowler!" yelled Grim. "Let's just get this investigation over with."  
Fowler then turned to his officers. "Any news?"  
"No, sir," said Habib.

"Except Goody went back in the hotel," said Dawkins.

"What for?" demanded Fowler.

"He said he was going to check if there were other people in there, sir," said Habib. "But knowing him – "

"Right!" Fowler turned to face all his officers. "Gladstone, stay here and keep an eye on everyone. The rest of you with me. Now!"

As Fowler and his team ran back into the hotel, Grim turned to Kray and Boyle.

"Right, boys, let's get in there, too," he ordered. "Go! Go! Go!"

* * *

"Anything upstairs?" asked Fowler.

"No, darling," said Dawkins.

"How many times do I have to tell you, Sergeant?" snapped Fowler. "Call me Inspector, darling!" Then he realised what he said, took a deep breath and continued searching. "When I find that boy, I'm gonna charge him."

"Sir, I've found Goody," said Habib, coming back from the stairs to the basement.

"Right." Fowler passed Habib and headed down the stairs. He saw Goody there. Grim, Kray and Boyle were with him, too. They were looking through the door to the generator room with blue lighting.

Fowler grabbed Goody. "Goody, what in drumming drums were you doing – "

Grim nudged him. "Shut up, Fowler. Give this young lad a break. He's helped the C.I.D."

The whole police gathered behind them. They heard loud arguing noises coming from the room.

"On the count of three," whispered Grim. "One... Two... Four... Go! Go! Go!"

The entire Police ran into the generator room. They were greeted by three people with guns.

"Gasforth Police," said Fowler. "Stand down!"

The three people didn't.

"Don't you remember us?" asked Habib. "We met at the Museum of Gasforth when the Crown Jewels were stolen."

"When was this?" asked Goody.

"Yesterday, Goody!" snapped Fowler. "Jeepers ceepers! Are you a policeman or a goldfish?"

"I think it was the first thing you said, sir," replied Goody.

"Everyone, put your weapons down," said a voice.

"But, sir – "

"Put the gun down, Bough," ordered the voice again. "All of you, too."

They all did as a man in tuxedo came in. "Johnny English, MI7. And this is Agents Bough, Tucker and Miss Campbell."

"What are you guys spying on?" asked Kray. "Seeing Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis in their underpants and knickers?"

"Kray, we have no time fannying about with nudey, rudey, next, sexy wokey jokes!" snapped Grim.

"Yes, I remember all of you," said English. "We placed the Crown Jewels under a new museum."

"Why?" asked Dawkins.

"Because the queen doesn't want another Pascal Sauvage incident, isn't it, Mr. English?" said Fowler.

"That's true, Inspector," said English.

"And was it you who recommended the Crown Jewels be moved to Gasforth, Raymond?" snapped Dawkins.

"Well, I thought this town needed a bit more royalty here," said Fowler.

Dawkins was about to slap him, but Fowler quickly said, "But we might be able to give you a hand. We're very good at investigations."

"Oh, I think you've done enough for us yesterday and ever since you put the Crown Jewels here," said English. "Us four will be all right."

"I don't know, sir," said Bough. "I think we could use more hands."

"This is not a mission for millipedes, Bough," said English.  
"Pegasus hasn't given us much guys... or girls on this mission, sir," said Tucker.

"We will need their help, Johnny," said Campbell, "if we are to find every crown jewel in the whole wide world, not just the British ones."

"Speaking of which," said Habib, "while we were at that museum, I picked up this."

Campbell took it. "What is it?" she asked Habib.

"It's a witch's artefact," answered Habib.

"We have no time for fannying about paintings!" snapped Grim.

"Sir, it's an object to proof that witches did exist," Boyle told him.

"Oh," said Grim.

Then a bump was banging from one of the metal lockers.

"I thought I told you check everywhere, Tucker," said English.

"I did, sir," said Tucker.

Then he and English went to the metal lockers. They opened it and drew out their guns. "Freeze!" shouted Tucker.

"Okay!" screamed a man who was wearing a cleaner's uniform. "What would you like me to freeze? My glass of water or my sausages from my underpants?"

"What's your name?" asked Tucker.

"Baldrick, sir," replied the man.

"Baldrick what?" asked Bough. "What's your first name?"

"I think it's 'Bog Off'," replied Baldrick.

"We're in no mood for games, you dirty little man!" snapped Tucker.

"It's all I can think off," said Baldrick. "You see, when I was an assistant gardener at Melchett Hall, I said to the posh lads, 'Hello, I'm Baldrick' and they'd say – ".

"Okay, I've heard enough," said English. "What are you doing here?"

"Well, the head cleaner gave me the job of cleaning these lockers, after I cleaned out the sceptic tanks," replied Baldrick.

Everyone groaned, especially Campbell, Dawkins and Habib.

"No wonder it smells like crap in here," Campbell coughed.

"All right, get out of here," ordered English. "Go and join your colleagues outside."

Baldrick got out of the locker and walked out.

"Shouldn't someone go after him, sir?" Boyle asked Grim.

"Hmm?" asked Grim.

"Well, he could be up to something," explained Boyle.

"He's a dirty wirty scrumy wummy pathetic prick," replied Grim. "He can't even clean out a locker, so what could he possibly do at all?"

* * *

Baldrick got hopefully lost through the basement, but quickly found a fire exit door.

"So where have you been, Baldrick?" asked a voice. "Didn't you hear the drill?"

Baldrick turned around to see his boss next to the door, smoking a cigarette.

"Sorry, Mr. Blackadder," said Baldrick. "I heard something, but I thought it was Scott Mills beatboxing. You know – " Then he demonstrated his own beatboxing.

"Shut up, Baldrick," snapped Blackadder. "What have you been up?"

"Just been cleaning out the lockers, then some coppers and some spies told me to – "

"Just a minute, Baldrick," said Blackadder. "Did you say, 'spies'?"

"Just some nonsense about witches' farty facts," said Baldrick.

"What?"

"They said it was a witch's object," explained Baldrick.

"You mean witches' artefacts," Blackadder told him.

"Said they were looking for all of them and when they do – "

"They'll find all the crown jewels and get rewarded," finished Blackadder. "Not if _we_ can help it. I have a cunning plan, Baldrick. Do you know what it is?"

"That we wait for the cops and the spies to find the witches' objects," said Baldrick, "and then we follow them to find the crown jewels and then we give them back and we'll become heroes."  
"Something even better," smiled Blackadder. "We go back in time to grab as many witch objects as we can find, use them to track them down the crown jewels before anyone else does and I'll be King of the world."  
"You?" pondered Baldrick.

"Don't worry, Baldrick," said Blackadder. "When I become King, I'll make you my... butler."  
"But how are we gonna go back in time?" asked Baldrick.

"We use my time machine," replied Blackadder. "The one I've been building in my basement."  
"Not your basement anymore, is it?" said Baldrick. "Not since Blackadder Hall is now Flashheart Hall."

"Less crap talk, more moving to _my_ basement, got it?" snapped Blackadder.

"Yes, sir," sighed Baldrick. He started walking, followed by Blackadder.


	4. Zoinks! We're Back in Time!

Sunset couldn't even spot Blackadder and Baldrick climbing over the metal gate of Flashheart Hall. Well, maybe Baldrick, who was trapped on the gate and hanging upside down.

"Mr. B!" cried Baldrick.

Blackadder turned around. "Baldrick, what are you doing? Come on!"

"I can't," said Baldrick. "I'm stuck."

Blackadder tried to wriggle Baldrick free, but he couldn't because his assistant cleaner's trousers were deeply stuck into the gate.

"Unzip your trousers, Baldrick," Blackadder ordered.

"What?" said Baldrick.

"Lower the zipper down, undo your button and wriggle yourself out," said Blackadder. "Even a three-year-old could do that."  
But Baldrick didn't move an inch.

Blackadder sighed and unzipped Baldrick's zip. Then he undid the button and successfully wiggled Baldrick out of his trousers.

"Now, hurry up," ordered Blackadder.

Then they ran around to the east side of Blackadder Hall.

Blackadder went ahead but Baldrick was fixed on the nearest window.

"Baldrick!" whispered Blackadder. "What is it now?"

"You might want to take a look at this," Baldrick whispered.

Blackadder sighed as he went over and looked through the window. He wasn't surprised but looked really mad.

"Taking away my house, drinking my wine and bringing in a bunch of two-months-out-of-date-milk smelling and vomit-kissing hookers," moaned Blackadder. "And all because Flashheart did some half-arsed tour of duty in Afghanistan. But that's all gonna change when we finish our mission. Let's go, Baldrick."

"But how are we gonna get into the basement?" asked Baldrick.

"Easy," replied Blackadder, jingling some keys in his hands.

"We'll jingle those keys to get the door open?" asked Baldrick.

"No, Balders," sighed Blackadder. "These are the keys for the padlock guarding my basement."

"But there's no padlock on the door," said Baldrick.

"Don't be ridiculous, Baldrick," said Blackadder. "Can't you see it's over – "

But when he looked at the metal doors to his basement, he saw there wasn't a padlock, but a keypad.

"I don't believe it!" snapped Blackadder. "How are we ever going to get in there now?"

"You've always said to me," said Baldrick, "'if you want to get the better of someone, you gotta think like them'."

"But how?" asked Blackadder. "If I start thinking like him, I'll soon start saying things like, 'woof'." He stopped and thought. "Hang on. I have an idea."

Blackadder went to the keypad. "Now, let me see. A nine number keypad with the letters under the numbers. W is under the nine, so here we go. O is under the six, so press it twice. And, finally, f under two. So, _volia_!"

The doors opened automatically.

"Come on, Baldrick," said Blackadder. And they all went down.

* * *

It was very dark walking down the stairs.

"Careful, Baldrick," said Blackadder. "It's dark, the stairs are rotten and, if I fall down for anything, your balls will be given to Manchester United."

Behind him, he heard a big crash. Then he felt like he was being dragged down by someone. They landed on the floor.

"Baldrick!"

"It wasn't my fault," protested Baldrick. "I was being as careful as I can ever be."

"In other words, as careful as a dung beetle who fell into quick sand because he thought it was a pool of diarrhea. Now, get off me!"

Baldrick got off Blackadder, who got up and turned the lights on. Everywhere lit up and Blackadder smiled as he walked towards a giant wooden object.

"Well, this is it, Baldrick," said Blackadder. "This is the key to our success."  
"But it's a big wooden clock, not a key," said Baldrick.

"It's not even a clock," said Blackadder. "It's a time machine. Let's get in."

Blackadder pulled the drawbridge-like door down and he and Baldrick went inside.

"At least it's pretty enough for a wooden thing with a bunch of levers and two toilets," said Blackadder. "Now, let's get going."

"But we don't know if it even works," said Baldrick.

"Well, we'll never know if we don't try it, will we?" said Blackadder, as he pulled up the rope to close the door up. "Now, let's go."

"Yes, sir," said Baldrick. Then he played around with the levers.

The whole thing shook like a rocket. Blackadder's head fell into one of the toilet. When he pulled himself out, toilet water dripped down his angry face. "Baldrick, did you ever think about putting seat beats or restraining harness in?" he screamed.

"I only just finished putting the levers in," said Baldrick. "I didn't even put the time or dates in yet."  
"What?" Blackadder screamed again.

Then the thing stopped shaking.

"What happened?" asked Baldrick.

"There's only one way to find out," said Blackadder. He opened the door and walked out. He was surprised, but very disappointed.

"God, we're still in London," he snapped. "And in the present. Let's get this machine working properly."

He went back inside. He knew they were in present London, but what he didn't see was the Mystery Machine smashed into the time machine. The hood was up and the engine was smoking. Fred Jones, Daphne Blake, Velma Dinkley, Shaggy Rogers and Scooby Doo got out and coughed.

"Okay, gang," said Fred. "Here's what we're gonna do. Shaggy, Scooby, you two stay here and guard the machine. The girls and I will go over to that red telephone box and call the insurance people."  
"Right, Fred," said Shaggy.

"Reah," said Scooby.

Then Fred and the girls left.

"Man, like, my tummy's rumbling," moaned Shaggy, as he held his tummy.

"Rine roo," joined in Scooby. Then his nose sniffed the air.

Shaggy saw that something was pulling Scooby into the time machine, so he decided to follow. He tried to get into the machine, but he bumped into Mr. Bean who was also trying to get in.

"Watch where you're going!" snapped Bean, as he and Teddy, in his left hand, walked in.

Shaggy walked in and followed his nose. His nose took him to a bowl. He didn't know what was in it, but it looked and smelled good. He picked it up and got a spoon out of his pocket. He was to take a spoonful but it was empty when he put it to his lips. He saw Bean rubbing his tummy.

Shaggy frowned and tried to take a sample, but this time it was Scooby who tried to take the bowl off him. Bean joined them.

"After you all had a nice taste of the disgusting curry that came out of Baldrick's throat," smiled Blackadder as he approached the stowaways.

The eyes of Scooby, Shaggy and Bean widen and looked like they were going to throw up.

"You might want to pop outside for throwing up," finished Blackadder.

Then he and the stowaways fell down as the time machine shook again.

"Baldrick, what are you doing?" Blackadder shouted.

"You said you wanted to get off as soon as possible," said Baldrick.

"Yes, but we have a bunch of stowaways with us now," said Blackadder. He looked at Shaggy and Bean throwing up in the toilets. But Scooby was licking Baldrick's vomit off his lips.

Then the time machine shook and stopped.

"Right, let's get them out of here and leave them here," said Blackadder.

Baldrick opened the door and everyone walked out.

"Like, where are we now?" asked Shaggy.

Blackadder walked out too and saw they weren't in London anymore. Giant leaves with dark green leaves surrounded the time machine and the travellers. Then shouting could be heard. They all turned around to see knights on horses heading towards them.

"Everyone, back into the time machine!" ordered Blackadder.

Bean pushed through everyone to get in first, but an arrow that hit nearly the door made him fall and drop Teddy into the Time Machine.

"Stay in there, Teddy!" shouted Bean, as he was picked up by two knights. "Don't come out for anything!"

Bean joined the rest of the time travellers in chains and shackles. Then they saw two men jumped off their horses and approached them.

"Now, what have we here?" asked a big man with a brown beard.

"Excuse me," said Blackadder. "But who are you? And what year is this?"

"This is Richard IV, King of England," said the younger man with black hair. "And I am Prince Harry of Wales."

"And this is the year of Our Lord: 1485," said Richard VI.

"This was no Richard IV of England," Blackadder chuckled. "We all know that Herny VII is the real king of England this time."  
"WHAT?" boomed Richard VI.

"I think they're Tudor spies, father," said Harry.

"Yes, I think you're right," said Richard VI. "Guards! Take them to the dungeons, for tomorrow they'll be executed as Tudor spies."

* * *

"Like, we're starving, man!" shouted Shaggy as he holding his hands out through the metal bars of his cells.

"Reah!" Scooby joined with him.

"Yes, why don't you keep that up going, guys?" said Blackadder, who just lied down on his back on the straw bed. "You'll get your dinner quickly."

Then he heard a screeching sound coming from the left. He turned around to see Bean drawing on the wall with a rotten nail.

"Do you have to do that?" asked Blackadder.

Bean just smiled and showed him the wall. "Ta-da!"

Blackadder looked at the wall. "Let me guess. A squid sucking up a blobfish?"

"No, it's a banana skin on an apple," Bean corrected him.

"A rocket flying to the moon?" went on Blackadder.

"A carrot getting eaten by a rabbit," said Bean.

"And those are the ugliest smoker's lungs I've ever seen," said Blackadder.

"Those are seashells!" snapped Bean.

"Oh, Bean," sighed Blackadder. "I've seen better paintings from six-years-old with dyspraxia."

Then the door opened and everyone went silent. They all saw three figures coming in.

"Are you the guy who brings us bread and water?" asked Shaggy.

"Do I look like I have any bread or water on me?" asked the man dressed in black. "I am Prince Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh."

"Otherwise known as the Black Adder," added the short man with a beard.

"Thank you, Baldrick," smiled Edmund.

The modern Blackadder and Baldrick were very surprised to meet their medieval ancestors.

"And the Lord Warden of the Royal Privies," added the third man.

"Yes, the Lord Warden of the Royal – " Edmund turned around to face him. "Shut up, Percy!"

The modern Blackadder got up from his seat and approached his medieval ancestor. "Excuse me, Your Majesty. I am Jonathon... uh... Green... Adder. How can we serve you?"

"No Tudor Spies can ever serve me," said Edmund. "Father's going to have your heads cut off for his dinner tomorrow."

"Like, I don't feel hungry anymore," moaned Shaggy.  
"There are more severe punishments than death, you know," said Blackadder.

"Really? Like what?"

"Like leaving us in here," said Blackadder.

"Without bread and water," added Baldrick. "That's when the prisoners will really want to die."

"Hmm," pondered Edmund. "That might be – "

"My lord," interrupted the medieval Baldrick.

"What?"

"These could be witches controlling your mind," the medieval Baldrick suggested.

"You're probably right," said Edmund.

"If we were witches," said Blackadder, "do you think we'd be staying in these cells and not be trying to make our way out?"

Edmund turned around to face Blackadder. "Are you saying that you know where the witches are?"

Medieval Baldrick grabbed Edmund. "My Lord, it could be a – "

"Shh!" snapped Edmund.

"My Lord," went on Blackadder, "if we help you to capture these witches, what would our reward be?"

"You'll get your freedom back," replied Edmund.

"Is that it?" asked Blackadder. "No castle? No land?"

"Ro rextra rood?" added Scooby.

"Just be grateful that you're going to get away with this!" snapped Edmund. "Now shut up, while we get the keys off the guard."

* * *

That night, the time travellers led Edmund and his companions out into the dark part of the forest. The modern Blackadder was leading them.

"Where are the witches, Greenadder?" Edmund demanded to know.

"It won't be long before the castle finds out about the unconscious guards smelling like beer," said Medieval Baldrick.

"And urine," added Percy.

"We did not serve any urine to the guards at all, Percy," snapped Edmund.

"No, but that's what the dogs will find when they sniff their trousers," explained Percy.

"Here we are," said Blackadder, after a few minutes. "This is the witches' hideout."

There was a long wait for where they were waiting. Everyone saw nothing except tall trees and dark skies.

"You're not lying to me, are you, Greenadder?" sneered Edmund.

"No, not at all," lied Blackadder. "They should come out, any minute now."

"My Lord," said Medieval Baldrick.

"Hmm?" asked Edmund.

"All the other time travellers have deserted," Baldrick told him.

"What?" Edmund turned around and saw that Baldrick was right.

"Well, don't just stand there!" yelled Edmund, as he drew out his sword. "Get after them!"

They heard wailing in the air – not normal wailing. It made everyone suspicious. Edmund drew out his sword.

Percy and Baldrick were shivering as they looked at Edmund.

"What are you two shivering at?" he asked.

Baldrick pointed to behind Edmund.

The prince turned around. "What? There's nothing but huge, ugly witches and – "

Then Edmund's eyes widen and he slowly turned around to see four witches and they were shining very brightly. Edmund ran away, followed by Percy and Baldrick.

The modern Blackadder laughed. "Well done, guys."

But the ghosts weren't moving. They were hovering just before him.

"Guys?" Blackadder started to get suspicious. He slowly stepped back and quickly saw the four white ghosts moving towards him. They giggled quietly but threateningly.

"Just turn the bloody torches off," said Blackadder. Their shininess did not dim and their laughter grew.

Blackadder decided to quickly turn around and run. He ran as far as he could. He ran through all the trees and didn't care if he trod on web or poison berries or horse muck or even if something was that was stuck on his boot. He saw the time machine all lit up and he ran in.

"Fat a lot of good, you guys were," he moaned to the time travellers, as he pulled the ramp up.

"We got changed into witches' clothes as fast as we could," protested Baldrick, who was wearing a witch's skirt halfway up to his legs and had his witch's hat behind him.

"Yeah, that I see," said Blackadder. Then he picked the thing under his shoe. It was a weird-looking object. "What is it?"  
"Zoinks!" cried Shaggy. "A witch's object! Scooby and I have seen lots of those in our solving-mysteries careers!"

"Reah!" cried Scooby as he and Shaggy jumped into the toilets and pulled the lid above them.

Bean was holding Teddy up and was using him as bodyguard. He screamed as he felt something cold on his neck and turned around to see Blackadder holding the object.

"That's the worst this thing can do," he said. "Now, come on, let's find more of these, till the end of time if we have to."

"Right away, sir," said Baldrick, as he fiddled with the controls.


	5. Fannying About with Artefacts

Fred, Daphne and Velma walking into the Gasforth Police Station and went to see Sergeant Dawkins at the reception desk.

"What do you three kids want?" asked Dawkins. "This isn't the place to collect your 'Being the Clumsiest and Stubborn Trio of the Year' award, you know."

"Crashing my van was my fault!" snapped Fred.

"Who was driving?" asked Dawkins.

"Uh, me," replied Fred.

"If you were a good driver," said Dawkins, "you would've been able to avoid this block on the road. You're lucky your friend's dad is paying the insurance and the ransom."  
"Ma'am, we've come here for a different purpose," said Daphne.

"Two of our friends are missing," said Velma.

"Where were they last seen?" asked Dawkins.

"Last time we saw them was with the van," said Fred.

"We thought they ran off to get food," said Daphne. "And we looked through every pub, every cafe and every supermarket."

"Did you try the public toilets?" asked Dawkins. "Now stop wasting my time and sod off!"

"What's going on, Patricia?" asked Fowler as he and Goody came in. Then he looked at the Mystery Inc. trio. "Well, well, well. If it isn't Clint Eastwood, Jean Arthur and... Sigourney Weaver."

"Who's who?" Fred asked Daphne and Velma.

"Observably, Sigourney Weaver wasn't a cowgirl," Daphne told him.

"What are you three doing here?" Fowler asked.

"Two of their friends are missing, as well as their van," said Dawkins.

"What's next?" asked Fowler. "Someone stealing your nails?"

"Maybe I could go out and help them, sir," suggested Goody as he walked in. "Their missing friends could a link to this witch mystery."

Fowler shushed him. "Goody, just because those MI7 idiots are taking this witch lark seriously doesn't mean we should."

Then English and his team burst in. "Inspector, MI7 has tracked something at Ambion Hall. We need to get there as soon as we can and we need your help."

"Well, are you sure?" asked Fowler. "Because if we drive two and a half hours all the way just to look at some other pretty painted thing made out of stone, I will charge for wasting police time."

"Raymond, how about a little less fannying about," said Grim, "and a little more go, go, go!"

"May we come?" asked Fred. "We do this kind of thing all the time."  
"And we might find our missing friends," added Daphne.

"Yeah, the more, the merrier," said Grim. "Now, go, go, go!"

Grim led the police officers out.

* * *

Outside the officers were admiring English's dark blue rolls-royce, Campbell's pink Toyota and Tucker's white Jaguar.

"Well, I suppose we could take a few officers in my car," said English, slowly putting his hand on the car. "But be careful, because if you put one finger on anything without looking – "

English jumped as he lifted his hand off from the bonnet. He looked at his hand and it was covered in white.

"Bird poo," he muttered. Then he turned back to everyone. "As you can see – Well, you know. Now, let me see – "

All the officers had their hands up.

"I choose you, young lady," English said, pointing to Habib. "And you two young ladies." Daphne and Velma joined him.  
Campbell chose Fowler, Dawkins and Gladstone and Tucker took Grim, Kray and Boyle.

Every other officer got into a Police car, except Goody.

"I would've driven us if only I hadn't crashed the Mystery Van," said Fred, walking to Goody. "If that's not bad enough, it's been stolen."

"Well, I've seen something much worst," said Goody. "There was the time a car crashed into the sea and, when it was picked up, it smelt of fish, seaweed and urine from the toilet pipes leading into the sea."  
While Goody was boring Fred with the smelly car, Zazu, Timon and Pumbaa were behind them.

"Once the car gets here," said Zazu, "we'll sneak in, ride to where they're going and, with luck, we'll – "

"Wait!" cried Timon. "What do you need a car for? You've got wings."

"I am very tired from all that flying to here," snapped Zazu.

"But we sneaked on a ferry from the docks in South Africa and sailed all the way to here," said Pumbaa.

"I meant flying around looking for worms and beetles and bugs for you to eat," explained Zazu.

BEEP! BEEP!

"Ah, our carriage awaits!" cried Timon. But he was disappointed when a bumped and rusty grey Nissan arrived. Bough got out and opened the door from the passenger side.

"Ready, now!" shouted Zazu, as he flew into the back of the car unnoticed by Goody and Fred. Timon and Pumbaa ran for the car, but they bumped their heads on the shut door.

"Hey!" shouted Timon, as he rubbed his bruised head. "What about us?"  
Pumbaa was struggling. His tusks were stuck into Bough's car. He panicked when he heard the engine starting up again and desperately tried to pull his tusks out.

Timon got onto Pumbaa's back. "This is great! It's gonna be smooth driving from here on."

"For you," Pumbaa huffed as he wriggled like a worm when Bough's car started moving.

* * *

On the motorway, Bough's car was driving very fast and was passing cars and lorries. Every time it passed one, Pumbaa screamed and wriggled.

"Hey, Pumbaa, stop the wriggling!" Timon cried. "It's dangerous enough!"

Pumbaa snorted.

* * *

Pumbaa was so relieved when the journey stopped. The opening door helped to knock him off the car. He and Timon flew in the air and landed into an apple tree. They fell along with the raining apples.

"This is no time for playing around," snapped Zazu, flying above them. "We've got to find out what happened to Simba. Now, come on!"  
"Good job, Pumbaa," moaned Timon, as he and his best friend rolled out of the pile of apples.

"Oh, thank you," said Pumbaa.

"I was being sarcastic," Timon told him.

* * *

Meanwhile, the Gasforth Police and the MI7 team were walking through a field. They were following Bough who was holding an MI7 tracker.

"Be careful, everyone," warned English. "This place could be set with booby traps and magic and – Ahh!" He froze in horror.

"What is it, sir?" asked Tucker.

"My foot is – "

"What?" asked Campbell.

"My foot is stuck in cow poo," replied English.

Campbell, Dawkins, Habib, Daphne and Velma pulled disgusted faces. If that wasn't disgusting enough for them, some cow muck was splattered onto them. A disgusted Habib turned to face at an innocent-looking Goody.

"Sorry," he apologized. "Didn't look where I was going."

English sighed. "You and your techno gadgets, Bough! Leave it to me with the map."

"Sorry, sir," said Bough, "but the map won't help us find the witches' objects."

"Nonsense, Bough," said English. "It will."

"Oh, stop fannying about and give me the damn thing!" snapped Grim as he took the device from Bough. "Now, let's see. Go straight, then turn two miles right..."

Everyone followed Grim's directions. As they were turning right, Goody and Kray fell off a little edge.

"Turn a little left..."

Dawkins fell down a hole and got stuck halfway.

"Turn half a mile towards the right..."

"The only one who is doing anything fannying about is you, Grim," sighed Fowler.

"You think you can do anything better, Fowler?" asked Grim, slamming the device into Fowler's hand. "Go on, prove it."

Fowler studied the device and threw it behind him. "Mr. English, your map, please."

English gave him the map and Fowler studied it. "That machine said the object was at five miles..." He turned around. "...the other way.

* * *

Another five hours, the team was still walking, but were getting very tired.

"I'm hungry, Raymond," moaned Dawkins.

"So am I, Patricia," said Fowler, "but we must carry on and not let anything stop us."  
CRUNCH! That made Fowler and Dawkins stop. Everyone turned around and can found Goody about fifty yards behind the rest of the team.

"Is there a problem, Constable Goody?" asked Fowler.

"No, sir," replied Goody.

"Then why are you going so slowly?"

"My feet are aching and I can't go much faster."  
"Well, your crisps don't seem to be doing you much good either," said Fowler.

"I don't have any crisps, sir," said Goody. "They're Pringles."

"Goody, step forward!" ordered Fowler.

Goody approached Fowler as quickly as he could.

"Hand over the tubs," went on Fowler.

Goody took out the green tub of his pockets, followed by the blue one and finally the red one which was heavier than the last two.

"Why is this one unopened, Goody?" asked Fowler.

"When I was at the tourist information," explained Goody, "the prices for them was buy one, get one free."

"That's for two, Goody," Fowler told him. "Why did you get a third one?"

"I thought I had difficulty understanding when the lady was trying to explain to me about the buying one and getting one free rule," said Goody.

"You are going to lead us for the next half mile and make sure it's a good pace," Fowler told him, throwing the tubs away. "Now, get moving."

Goody starting walking and everyone followed him.

CRUNCH! Everyone stopped again and turned around to see Kray with the red Pringles tub.

"Kray, what are you doing?" demanded Grim.

"Want not, waste not, I say, sir," smiled Kray. "Want one?"

"Don't mind if I do," said Grim as he took one.

* * *

About half an hour later, they approached an old house that dates back to Richard IV's days. Bough and Campbell were scanning the house with their scanners.

"Anything, Bough, Miss Campbell?" asked English.

"No, sir," replied Bough.

"No, Johnny," replied Campbell.

"Right, in that case, it's a go, go, go!" ordered Grim. He and his officers barged the door down and searched the place.

Grim was frustrated when they came out. "Nothing!" he snapped. "Absolutely, definitely, entirely, surely, 'wirely' – "

"Are you finished?" asked Folwer.

"Nothing!" finished Grim.

Then the leaves of the trees were rustling wilder than normal.

"Everyone, arm your weapons!" ordered Bough. Campbell, Tucker and all the Police Officers with guns aimed their weapons.

Fowler approached Bough. "Excuse me, Mr. Bough. Who do you think you are to order my – "

"Shut up, Fowler!" snapped Grim. "We're trying to focus our aiming."

"It's 'focus _on_ our aiming'," Fowler corrected him. "Not 'focus our – '."

"Shut up!"

The winds were rustling more and more and –

"Whoa!" cried a voice as someone fell down from the biggest tree. He hit a few branches and landed to the ground.

Everyone ran into the forest.

* * *

The whole team was together as they searched approached the tree.

"Oh, look!" cried Goody. "Someone's been making mud angels."

Fowler frowned at him. Then he and everyone gathered around the 'mud angel'.

"Maybe it's that guy who fell down from the tree," suggested Habib.

"It was," groaned a voice.

They all turned around to see English coming out of the bushes, looking bruised and hurt.

"What happened, Johnny?" asked Campbell.

"I climbed up that tree because I thought I saw some witch activity," replied English, "but when I got there, it was just this stupid parrot who – "

"I am not a parrot!" snapped Zazu, as he landed on the lowest branch on the nearest tree. "I am a hornbill."

"How much does the horn cost?" asked Boyle. He, Kray and Goody laughed.

"What are you doing out of the zoo?" asked Dawkins.

"What zoo?" snapped Zazu. "I am here to find my king."

"King of the dodos?" asked Fowler.

"King Simba of the Pride Lands!"

"Another link to the missing crown jewels story," said Fowler.

"Except, in Africa, it's not some little jewellery," said Goody.

"What?" snapped Fowler.

"What he meant, sir, is that they're taking the real kings as well," said Habib.

"Attention, all units," said Fowler's radio. "All the animals at Twycross Zoo have escaped and roaming free around the city."

"Sorry, Mr. English," said Fowler. "You and your team are on your own. My officers and I have to help them."

"I think we'll manage," said English, as he stepped over the branch and fell down into a muddy puddle.

"Yes, I'm sure you will," scoffed Fowler.

"Raymond, me and my team are going with them," said Grim.

"Well, if you're sure, Derek," said Fowler. Then he turned around and produced a gleeful smile.

"I'd like to go, too, sir," said Goody, as he ran to join them, but Fowler held him back.

"You're not going anywhere without me watching you," said Fowler. Then he turned to his uniform officers. "As are all my officers!"

"Girls, I think we should join English," said Fred.

"You're right, Fred," agreed Velma. "I'll go."

"But what about us?" asked Daphne.

"You can join us catching rats in the zoo," muttered Dawkins.

"Ew!" moaned Daphne.

"In that case," said Zazu, "I'm going with English." He turned to face Timon and Pumbaa. "You two make sure Simba's not at the zoo." With that, he flew to English's team.

"I'm sure he will be," muttered Timon.

"Is that sarcasm, Timon?" asked Pumbaa.

"No, it's either that place or the cave with bugs for him to eat," said Timon.

"Oh, why didn't I think of that?" asked Pumbaa.

Timon sighed. "Oh, boy."


	6. Elizabethan Shows and Georgian Turkeys

The time machine stopped.

"Why have we stopped, Baldrick?" asked Blackadder.

"Because the machine decided to," replied Baldrick.

"Machines can't choose when to stop, Baldrick," Blackadder told him. "Go and see what's wrong with it."

Baldrick went to the levers, lifted off the hatch and looked inside.

The stomachs of Scooby and Shaggy were still rumbling.

"Man, like, I'm still starving," moaned Shaggy. "And thirsty!"

"Re roo," said Scooby.

"That's it!" exclaimed Baldrick, bumping his head on the levers. "The machine is thirsty, sir."

"Machines don't drink, Baldrick," said Blackadder.

"This one does," said Baldrick. "It drinks oil."

"Then let's go and get some!" ordered Blackadder.

He lowered the ramp and everyone went out.

* * *

"Man, like, where are we?" asked Shaggy.

"Well, judging by the white walls and the echoing sounds," said Blackadder, "I'd say we are back at my basement."  
The place they were at did look like the basement from his old mansion.

"You mean, Flashheart's mansion," said Baldrick.

"Yes, whatever!" snapped Blackadder. "Let's just get the oil and – "

"Halt!" ordered a voice.

The time travellers looked ahead to see men pointing spikes at them.

"Oh, no!" cried Baldrick. "It's the guards!"

"Flashheart doesn't have any guards, Baldrick," Blackadder told him. "And whatever game he's playing, getting men to dress up like Tudor guards, he's really taken it too far."  
"Silence!" shouted a man.

"Shout at me like that again and I'll – "

The man whacked his pike on Blackadder's head. He fell down.

"Be able to come quietly now," smiled the man. Then he turned to the rest. "I assume you guys will be able, too."

The time travellers nodded.

"Yes, sir," replied Baldrick, who got whacked on the head, too.

* * *

Soon the time travellers were all being escorted to a very big room.

"These prisoners were in your private room, Ma'am," said the captain of the guard.

When they looked up, they couldn't believe what they saw. They saw a man and an old woman and in the middle between them Queen Elizabeth I.

"You mean, my bedroom?" asked the queen.

"No, ma'am," replied the captain. "Your private room for where you keep your favourite things."

"You mean, her first baby teeth?" asked the old lady. "Her old tonsils that's been out for thirty years? Her package of royal nappies?"  
"Shut up, Nursie!" snapped Queenie. Then she turned to the captain. "Leave us, Captain."

The Captain and his guards left.

"You have really taken this too far, Edmund," Queenie snapped at Blackadder.

"What, ma'am?" Blackadder asked.

"I know you hate Shakespeare," said Queenie, "but this – whatever you're doing – is not even entertaining."

"What?"

"You can't fool us, Blackadder," said the man.

"Look, I've bumped my head and I've lost my memory," Blackadder lied. "You know who you are, Ma'am, but your friends – "

"This is Lord Melchett and this is Nursie," said Queenie.

"Or you can call me by my real name: Bernard," said Nurise.

"I assume you don't even know who your friends over there are," said Melchett.

Blackadder pretended like he didn't know his fellow time travellers, while he tried to think of something. "Ah!" he cried. "They're my fellow actors for my show that I'm gonna compete against Shakespeare."

"What's your show?" asked Queenie.

"I don't know," said Blackadder.

"In that case, I'll have five heads for breakfast tomorrow," said Queenie.

"Man, that sounds delicious, Scoob!" cried Shaggy.

"Rum rum!" cheered Scooby.

"She means _our_ heads, imbeciles!" whispered Blackadder.

"Oh," moaned Scooby and Shaggy.

Then Blackadder turned back to the Queen. "What I meant was, I do have one, but I don't wanna spoil it, otherwise you wouldn't enjoy it."

"Well, you'd better hurry up, then," said Queenie. "Shakespeare's _Much Ado About Nothing _at the Globe Theatre is playing in half an hour. Make sure you and your actors are ready and really, really good."

"Certainly, Ma'am," said Blackadder.

He and the time travellers stood up, bowed and left the room.

* * *

Queenie, Melchett and Nursie sat in their seats at the Globe Theatre. Their seats were stand-alone, away from the all-taken chairs in the theatre.

_Much Ado About Nothing_ ended to thunderous applause.

The actors took a bow and then Shakespeare joined them and bowed before the audience.

"Very good," said Blackadder, walking on the stage. "But all of you are in for a special treat tonight. We have more acts than Shakey over here can shake a stick at. And here is our first act."

Blackadder, Shakespeare and the _Much Ado About Nothing_ actors left the stage. Then Shaggy, dressed as a woman, and Scooby, dressed as a doctor, arrived on stage.

"_Oh, Doctor, like, I'm in trouble_," sang Shaggy.

"_Rell, roodness racious re_," sang Scooby.

And the goofy duo continued their version of _Goodness Gracious Me_. At the end, the audience gave them such applause.

After they left the stage, Bean arrived on set with a brush. He sweeping when something like a drum was heard. Then he swept around the chair that was in the middle, with different sounds in the background. Then Bean sat down and acted like that he was drumming, but, below the stage, Baldrick was actually doing all the drumming for him. But the audience loved Bean's performance and applauded to it. After he left the stage, Blackadder and Baldrick came on stage.

"What are we gonna do for a sketch, Baldrick?" asked Blackadder.

"I don't know," said Baldrick. "Maybe we could do Harry Potter?"

"Baldrick, everyone here in this time period thinks a story about a school for wizards and witches will be evil, let alone a bunch of crap," Blackadder told him.

"What about _Star Wars_?" asked Baldrick.

"Good idea, Baldrick," said Blackadder. "And we'll make their descendants think that every plane and helicopter is all U.F.O.s."  
"_Jurassic Park_?"

"No one here has even heard of dinosaurs."  
"_Wreck-It-Ralph_?"

"Now you're just being ridiculous, Baldrick," said Blackadder, giving him a punch in the face. He was worried about not coming up with something good.

"Edmund!"

Blackadder turned around to see Queenie and two guards approaching him. He got on his knees.

"Edmund, that was absolutely, positively, without a doubt..."

Blackadder gulped, as sweat fell from his hair.

"...the weirdest, funniest and best thing I have ever seen in my whole life," cheered Queenie.

She applauded and the whole audience applauded, too.

"Now, is there anything you want, Edmund?" asked Queenie.

"Well, ma'am, I would like six barrels of oil," replied Blackadder. "For my wooden box in your private room."

* * *

Soon the time travellers had all the six barrels of oil delivered to the room. Baldrick was pouring it into the time machine's oil slot.

"Okay, Mr. B," he said later. "We're ready to go."  
"Good," said Blackadder. "Let's get off and find some more cheap witch-look objects."

The time travellers got in and the machine started off. But it soon landed again and very quickly, too.

"Where are we now?" moaned Blackadder, as everyone got out.

The room they were at was made out of wooden and very snug.

"Baldrick, if you've taken us to the Stone Age," Blackadder warned, "I'll kill you."

Scooby was standing up on the door.

"What is it, Scoob?" asked Shaggy, joining him. Shaggy sniffed. "Man, there's nothing except the smell of chicken, sausages and beef and – "

Then Shaggy's eyes widen as he opened the door and went into a place that looked like a big old kitchen. The time travellers looked at the table piled with a lot of delicious looking food.

"Like, what are we waiting for?" asked Shaggy. "Let's dig in!"

He and Shaggy jumped up in mid-air and was about to land on the food, when –

"I say, what's all this?" asked a voice.

Scooby and Shaggy landed on the floor. The time-travellers looked up to see a man with white hair and wearing rich clothes.

"Who are you, sir?" asked Blackadder.

"I am the Prince Regent," said the man. "Prince George of England. And this is the royal kitchen. What are you scavengers doing here?"

"We're not scavengers, Your Highness," said Blackadder. "I mean, we are hungry. But not for food. We are workaholics who want to work."

"All right, then," said Prince George. "Put on a turkey, will you? It's tea time in thirty minutes." Then the Prince went off.

"Right, then," said Blackadder. "You guys go on ahead and get some more wooden pieces to replace the levers. I'll stay and check the time machine."

Baldrick, Scooby and Shaggy walked out of the kitchen.

Bean spotted an already made cup of tea with two biscuits on the plate. He went to grab it, but his hand was smacked.

"Don't be lazy," said Blackadder, taking the cup and biscuits. "Get to work on the turkey."

Bean huffed as Blackadder went back to the time machine.

* * *

Soon Bean put three handfuls of stuffing into the turkey, but he realized he didn't have his watch on his arm. He lost it in the turkey. He took the stuffing out again and got a lit candle to look in, but didn't do him any good at all. He sighed as he put his head much closer towards the turkey.

The kitchen door opened and Scooby and Shaggy walked in, carrying pieces of wood.

"Man, all this carrying has given me an appetite!" moaned Shaggy.

"Re roo!" agreed Scooby.

They picked up the plates and started piling up with fruit, vegetables, bread and cheese.

"Hey, Bean," said Shaggy. "Are these meat cooked yet?"

Then he and Scooby screamed their heads off as Bean stood up straight – with the turkey on his head.

"Monster!" cried Shaggy.

They dropped their plates and ran back out.

"Hey, wait!" cried Bean. "Wait!"

* * *

Bean ran out onto the streets. He couldn't see where he was going and everyone screaming and running away from him in fear didn't help him at all.

He put his hands out so he could at least feel if he was heading towards something. He did feel something. He moved his hands all over it and it felt very tall and metal.

"Hey, that lamppost don't need a massage, mate," said a man who was walking his dog and passing Bean.

Bean let go and moved on. For a while, he didn't feel anything, except his legs falling down some steps. He picked himself up and walked up the stairs again. He put his hands out again and felt something. It was soft and hairy.

"Hey!" shouted a man. "What are you doing to my horse's bottom?"

The horse neighed and kicked the turkey. As Bean fell down to the ground, the turkey flew off.

* * *

At Mrs. Miggins's coffee shop, everywhere was nice and quiet. Then the window broke into pieces as something threw in. Mrs. Miggins, the Georgian Blackadder and Baldrick gathered around the object that broke through the window.

"What is it?" asked Mrs. Miggins.

"Why, Mrs. M, it's a baby plucked griffin," said Blackadder.

"Really?" asked Baldrick.

"No, Baldrick, it's a turkey," snapped Blackadder. "And, by the look of it, it's the Prince Regent's. Why is it here, Baldrick?"

"I don't know, Mr. B," said Baldrick. "I left it at the kitchen."

"We'd better get back," said Blackadder. "If the Prince doesn't get his turkey, he'll have a fit."

"Hmm, I always thought he wasn't ugly," said Baldrick.

Blackadder slapped him on his head as they headed out of the shop.

* * *

Back in the street, Bean was just happy to have that turkey off his head. Then he felt something in his mouth. It was his watch! As he picked himself up, he felt something under his shoe. He picked up what was like a dream catcher, only it was triangle with black pieces on it. He put it on anyway and walked off.

* * *

The modern Blackadder came back into the kitchen.

"Okay, time machine is working again," he said. He looked around and saw none of his fellow travellers in sight. But he heard whimpering coming from under the table. He got down and said, "Boo!"

Out from the table, Scooby and Shaggy jumped and screamed.

"If you want to be safe, just get in the time machine before something else happens," Blackadder told him.

Scooby and Shaggy quickly ran into the time machine. Bean and the modern Baldrick came in the kitchen.

"Where have you been?" asked Blackadder. "Helping the turkey go to the toilet? Get in the time machine."

By the time Blackadder and Bean went into the room where the time machine was, Prince George came in and so did the Georgian Blackadder and Baldrick.

"What time do you call this?" snapped Prince George.

"It's half six, sir," said Blackadder.

"Then why isn't my turkey ready yet?" asked Prince George.

"Because we haven't even started yet, sir," answered Blackadder.

"Then what have you, this spotted mole and those working volunteers been doing all this time?" demanded Prince George.

"What?"

"You can't fool me this time, Blackadder. I met you and your staff earlier today and asked you to put the turkey on and – "

"Hold on, sir," interrupted Blackadder. "We've been out to Mrs. Miggins, since we have not been in this kitchen all day."  
"Does that mean – "

"Yes, Baldrick," replied Blackadder.

"That the Prince was seeing mirages in the kitchen?"

Prince George glared at him, grabbing a pan. "Come here, Rat Face!"

Baldrick gulped and ran around the table being chased by the Prince. Blackadder just sat on his chair and read the newspaper.

After two hours, Blackadder had finished five newspapers and had eaten all the food off the table, while Prince George was still chasing Baldrick.

"I need more days like this," smiled Blackadder.


End file.
